Numbers have significance, but today’s blog isn’t going to address that.
Today is day number 108 since Kane took his appointed place with the Father. Each of the previous 107 have been different in when and how the memories and emotions flow for me. And, however they flow for me doesn’t mean that’s how they present themselves for Jaclyn.
I’ve read writings and interviews with others that have experienced something similar – losing a child in an unexpected moment. Many of them cite months or even a full year before you breathe out and have moments where you can’t actually feel a heavy weight where your heart once was located. Personally, I still wait for that moment.
There are days that are better than others. Most of those involve so much busyness that the movement and action serve as a trojan horse for the sadness. Some just provide joy in the form of other people – usually my wife or one of the kids. God’s peace and comfort are felt, but I find myself searching for the explanation why it doesn’t feel like enough. It says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that His “. . grace is sufficient. . ,” and in 2 Corinthians 1:3 that He is the “. . God of all comfort.”
His peace definitely passes all understanding, for I can’t imagine getting to the point of being content with where Kane is and how God’s plan truly has played out in his life without it. But while I am at peace with knowing that God’s plan is perfect, even in Kane, I beg God for the comfort that I want to accompany it.
God has put different moments, people, and places in our path in the previous 107 days that have brought us reminders and sweet words of encouragement. Which brings me to day 108.
As I type this out, I am sitting in the waiting room for families awaiting the birth of little ones at Banner Gateway Medical Center in Gilbert, Arizona. A conference that I wrestled with attending for the past few months is in Phoenix this year and I decided to take an aside during down time to come here – the very place where Kane was born. I am sitting in the exact seat where Jaclyn and I met with Lisa, case worker for his birth mom. The place where we waited, nervously, to meet this mystery, this calling, this. . .son.
Memories? Sure. No way to forget the time we spent here in Arizona for the ten days that completed our family. Add in places that are tucked away in the corners of my mind and I can picture walking through this place for two and a half days, waiting to be discharged. The waiting room, the corridors connecting everything, the elevator, the cafeteria, the front entrance where we walked out with him, and the parking lot that I ran circles around in a feeble attempt to both exercise and combat cabin fever – everything connects me to those days here.
My heart is both thankful for the time and means to be able to come here and confused as to why I would subject myself to the flood of reminders. But, mostly thankful.
So goes the cycle. Days of joy. Days of distraction. Days of memories, almost all good. And, days of sadness.
I praise God for the blessings – He is the source of them all. I praise Him so much for the 1,047 – the days we had with Kane. I also praise Him for being the source of our joy and for His grace and mercy. Still, I look forward to the day when I can testify that I have overcome the shortcomings in my faith walk that keep me from feeling the comfort that I long for. Until then, I just miss my son.
Do not grieve. For the joy of the Lord is your stronghold.