RUN to the Father!

This past spring, I made a shameful realization.

I knew that I had arrived at a point where I had become completely indifferent about my faith.

This wasn’t just a point where I wasn’t doing a quiet time anymore. I just didn’t care that much about my relationship with the Father. (I’m sure a psychiatrist would have a field day unpacking me, but since that isn’t going to happen, I write.)

I know everyone know this, but. . . life stinks sometimes.

The stuff that happens in our life gets heavy. I could share an “oh-woe-is-me” list that includes job stress, heartaches, loss, anxiety, and other things. But, I know that we all have a list.

I had allowed life to make me apathetic about. . . well. . .life.

A lot that included my take on God. No, I wasn’t shaking my fist angrily in defiance. He had just become another item on a list of things I didn’t really feel like messing with. You ever feel that way?

Ever feel like no one cares what’s going on with you personally?
That you’ve done something different to gradually offend everyone you know?
That others’ thoughts of you are probably always negative?
That any little mistake or misstep is just another shovel of dirt on what already feels like a mountain?
Or that you can’t even truly enjoy the things that still are positive?

Maybe nothing on that list applies to anyone else. Your pictures on social media look like it may not. Your stories sound so good and your updates are filled with conquests and milestones and things that you’re proud of.

But somehow, even in writing this for my own personal therapy, I feel like maybe there’s at least one person that might be able to identify with me a little. (Or, maybe, in accordance with my next fear, it’s nothing more than a little TMI about me).

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Anyway, after a steady decline to that point on a slow course over the past few years, I found myself in a state of desperation. I knew what the hole in my soul was and the only way to fill it.

The shape of the hole wasn’t success.
It wasn’t acceptance.
It wasn’t peace.
It wasn’t even Kane.

It was Jesus. And I knew it in my heart.

I just didn’t care to fill it.

So, I prayed.

I prayed like Hannah prayed when she was at her point of desperation:

In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly
– 1 Samuel 1:10

I might not have wept bitterly, but I cried to God. And my prayer was that he renew my desire for Him. To renew my zeal for His word. To give my soul a hunger for Him.

This sounds pretty spiritual. What a great person Greg must be, right?

Much to the contrary. This came from a place that didn’t really want God.

Nor did I really want a stronger relationship with Him.

And, to be completely transparent, I couldn’t have cared less what His will for my life was.

But my soul did the crying.

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Southern gospel music is not my cup of tea. (That’s a blog for another day.) But, I grew up on it. I grew up with my dad playing it going down the road and of Gaither reunions on TV.

And, yes, Lonnie Morris (not that he’s reading an online blog) was right – I can even sing it. I just think it’s hokey and would rather listen really anything else from Brandon Lake to Lecrae when it comes to faith-based music.

But, a song that I heard my dad sing long ago resonated with me as I prayed. It is a Squire Parsons classic entitled “He Came to Me.” The words were so true for my life in this moment:

“The gulf that separated me from Christ my Lord
It was so vast the crossing I could never ford” (who uses the word “ford”?)
“From where I was to His domain, it seemed so far
I cried, ‘Dear Lord, I cannot come to where You are.’
He Came to Me”

It wasn’t immediate. I didn’t open my eyes and have a light shining on me.

But, God only needs us to want Him. And deep in my heart, the part that Jesus has occupied since I was 12 years old, still did want Him.

Later this summer, as I was watching a sermon online desperately feeling around in the dark for something, I felt the spirit of God tell me that it was time. When He did, I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my face as I knew that He had come to where I was – down in the valley of my faith walk. So, I RAN to the Father!

Even as I write this, I know that there are people that might read this that don’t think very much of me. Maybe an encounter with me over the past few years didn’t end positively. Maybe I said something that hurt. Maybe the way I said something did damage. Maybe someone felt ignored or brushed aside. For all of those encounters, I have asked God to forgive me. If it applies to you and you need me to make amends, I would love to do just that personally. My cell number is 731-571-5672 and a text or call can start that conversation.

But, let me tell you this. The past several weeks have been the best in my entire life in my growth in Christ. It doesn’t mean there aren’t trials. But I can tell you this, my outlook on things sure is more positive. My relationship with my wife is the best it’s ever been. I feel closer to my kids than ever before. And for all of this I am thankful to a God whose mercies are new every day!

I hope this lands where it is intended. I am so far from perfect, I would easily replace Paul as the “chief of all sinners.” But, thank God for grace!

I pray that the rest of my days are marked with the things God wants me to do. I pray that if you describe me from here forward, it is a guy that loves God and loves other people. I’ll even give you a hug if you need one (the Lord really does work in mysterious ways). The Lord has given me gifts and I pray that He finds a way to allow me to use those to serve Him!

But most importantly, if you want to know where this joy comes from, I would love to share with you personally. It’s available to you!

This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is our strength!
– Nehemiah 8:10